Expectations: To Have or Not to Have?

Let’s be real it’s a question we often face. There is a general consensus, and I’m hasty generalizing right now, that having expectations only invite disappointment and hurt, especially when it relates to people. And yet, I’m that person who supports having expectations with people. You may think I’m crazy and I am….just a tad. But, expectations in relationships aren’t a bad thing AT ALL. The issue we run into is the difference between HEALTHY expectations and UNHEALTHY expectations.
Fact is unhealthy expectations open the door to depleted hope and discouraged souls. When we push unrealistic expectations on a person or accept them upon ourselves, we often set ourselves up to be let down or let down someone. Sometimes these unrealistic expectations are created from a place where we see the individual’s potential and we place them at that potential while they are still in process. There is NOTHING wrong with seeing a person, calling out their gold, and believing in them, but, from my experience, the line gets foggy when we began to place the expectations and the behavior we would desire from the potential them on the present them. That exchange creates unhealthy intentions which lead to disappointment and distrust. It’s important to distinguish the difference between and understand how to balance seeing and loving people where they are and loving them into their destiny.

Expectations come with the package of any relationship: familial, romantic, spiritual, or platonic. Whether you consciously do it or not, you begin to expect from people you value. Any good, genuinely intimate bond has some level of expectation. A relationship without expectations shows a lack of trust and intimacy. Not to expect seemingly protects your heart. Saves you from heartache, frustration, and rejection. It spares you the tummy knots of disappointment and hurt. While true, it works as a defense mechanism that can push you away from truly experiencing intimacy, love, and trust the way you should in a relationship. One of my favorite authors and speakers, Jason Vallotton, wrote, “…there is no way to venture into love without facing the risk of heartache. We can actually only be loved to the level that we can be hurt, so risk is part of the process” (Moral Revolution, 131). Even though this quote speaks specifically to romantic relationships, I think it can be applied to any relationship. People who are apart of your core, whose opinion and input you do value, if they hurt you, you’ll feel it. It’ll resonate. I say this to say that having expectations are apart of the risk of allowing yourself to be loved when you enter a relationship. Unhealthy expectations can be avoided by having brave communication. This involves defining the relationship. Make it clear what the relationship is, what you desire, and expect from it and from them. When the expectations are put out there, you can work together to sustain and maintain a healthy bond.

So think about it. Share your thoughts. This isn’t a cake walk, especially if you’ve been let down countless times. If you are reading this and have dealt with consistent disappointment and hurt from people you’ve valued and expected from and desire to move out of that place I encourage you to forgive. Forgiveness is powerful. When you forgive someone, you are freeing yourself. Make the decision to forgive the individual and yourself. I bless your heart to love and trust again. Your heart WILL love and trust again. I declare over you that you can have healthy expectations in your relationships. I declare that your heart is safe. It is seen, heard, and honored. And when you are ready, I challenge you to begin to work on developing healthy expectations with people you desire to go deep with.

Til next time,

D

South Africa Love

It was on November 9, 2012 that I received an email telling me I had been accepted on the South Africa Mission Trip. It was that night that I became a fervent believer that dreams do come true. It is now January 21, 2013. Over the last two months, I have been blessed to meet and connect my team. I made my first payment of $295.00. Thank you to those who donated. It really rocked my world.

I am now two months away from an 8 year old dream coming true. I will be traveling to South Africa ministering to and loving on the people. Over a span of 18 days, I will visit cities such as Cape Town, George and various townships. In these cities I will have the honor to share and spread love and hope. This trip really means so much to me. It’s so much more than visiting a beautiful country. It’s not a vacation. It’s a mission. It’s entering a new culture and appreciating the people and their world. It’s releasing restoration and hope to a hungry nation. It’s calling out the gold and loving on the communities. This trip, for me, is about shedding light in dark places, it’s being the full expression of love.

I can’t do this alone. As you read this, in 24 hrs, I have a payment of $1350 due. I need this payment paid off by noon (West Coast time) tomorrow in order to secure a ticket to South Africa. More than ever before I am believing for total financial breakthrough in the area of provision for this trip. I know this is where I’m called to go in this season. Daily my heart grows in love, anticipation, and hope for South Africa.. Your prayers are greatly appreciated!

To donate to this dream, just go to: http://missiontrips.ibethel.org. There will be a section that gives you a chance to give. Type in my name, Danae Carson, and my profile will come up. From there you can donate. Every amount counts and all donations are tax deductible. Thank you so much for reading this and for your support!! You are awesome!

Til next time,

D

How Do You See

When we take steps into the unfamiliar we automatically recognize the discomfort. It’s unchartered territory. The comforts you once knew are dispelled by the newness of what you’ve just stepped into.

Cool. Understandable. That’s natural. But, why do we focus on the discomfort so much? Why do we push a negative outlook on change? Why do we allow others to push a negative outlook on our change? Is it because whatever we’ve conjured up as the plan for our lives is shifting and we don’t like it? Is it because wherever we are going doesn’t fit the picture that everyone else thinks is right?  I know I threw a million questions in one paragraph but these are questions I’ve had to ask myself through the years as I experienced and witnessed change. Now, that I’m undergoing a massive shift in what I consider the norm, I’m beginning to see change not as some dreadfully uncomfortable journey, but as an invitation to firsts.

When I moved to California discomfort didn’t even describe how I felt. I live in the largest state surrounded by people I’ve never even heard of. Everyone that I know and I am close to is on the opposite coast. When I first came to Redding, I was absolutely sad. I began to imagine just how out of the loop I would be whenever I returned home. I wouldn’t be as connected and those thoughts began to discourage me. I would be missing out on big moments and other small yet exciting memories. I had to snap out of it because, I realized if I didn’t alter the way I was seeing this change, I would miss out on my purpose for being here. I would miss out on the awesomeness that is before me and if I hadn’t taken this step, I would not be experiencing all the firsts that I have.

Like going to Bethel Church. It was a beautiful experience to connect with the church community, to be apart of their worship. This  past Saturday night I met other first years and had a God encounter like NEVER before. I experienced my first worship night led out by fellow first years where we threw our inhibitions out the window, invited God in and allowed Him to just move in and through us. I mean I went to WINCO for the first time!!! If there is one in the DMV, never saw it. It’s a great grocery where ya get stuff for real cheap. I need cheap nowadays.

But you get my drift? Change does not bring about just discomfort or unfamiliarity. It brings you into firsts. It positions you to have new encounters and experiences. Now this is not saying I haven’t felt discomfort. I have and I’m sure there will be more moments where the boundaries of my comfort zone will be stretched and pulled. But I decide if I will let this stretching and pulling be a pity party or an adventure. It’s all in my perspective. If I choose to look at what I may be lacking or missing out on, then what this new opportunity, this move to California has to offer me will be missed. If I choose to compare what was to what is, I’ll never really understand, cherish, or grasp what’s before me. It’s all in perspective.

So, for you, if it is a new job, new position, new relationship, school, or move to another state/country don’t focus on what you may miss or what was. Don’t compare your last supervisor to your new one. Don’t compare your old position to your new one, no matter how better or worse it is and don’t compare your new relationship to the old. Take what is before you and cherish it. Allow yourself to open up to the many firsts that are waiting for you. Embrace the new step. You see, change is what you make it. Firsts are what you make it and it’s all in your perspective.

So, how do you choose to see?

Til next time,

D