Pursuing Him

Pursuing the heart of God–pursuing His face is a matchless journey.  It started for me in my college dorm room. There would be nights when I would go to sleep feeling so empty. I felt unfulfilled—like I was going through the motions. It was my senior year of college and I guess you could say, I felt my clock ticking—that is–my destiny clock. All of my friends were applying for graduate programs and I was twiddling my thumbs. I just could not shake this deep-rooted feeling that there was more to life–there was more to my life. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with getting a degree or four, working in a career, and establishing yourself. That’s actually something I really value and support. But in late 2011 with 2012 creeping around the corner, I just knew there was more for me than another degree and a career. I wanted there to be more.

That’s where it started: I wanted more. My pursuit for God transformed from me chasing after His hands (what He can do) to longing after His face (who He is). That’s how I ended up in Redding, California. That’s how I’m back here again for round two.

You know it’s totally different? There’s a weight to this second year. This–this is a choice, a conscious choice. Not that first year wasn’t, because it was. I decided to go. I boarded that plane and drove up I-5. Yet in coming back, I can say pursuing Jesus looks like something–it’s a choice. Now understand, pursuing Jesus looks like joy, peace, and hope. It looks like a love story unfolding. It feels like butterflies in your stomach and goose bumps on your arms. It is a daily, tangible encounter with Him. In the same sense, it’s a choice. About two weeks ago, I had the honor of hearing one of the 2^nd year pastors’ heart–Hayley Braun. She talked about knowing Him (Jesus) in choice and in passion.  In passion is like how I described above, you feel it. You feel the fire, the zeal, the hunger. It’s all you think about and all you wanna do. In choice is when all of that seems to fade. When all of your emotions scream the opposite. It’s when you aren’t feeling ‘passionate’ or ‘hunger’ that you still choose Him.

First year was undeniable passion for me. I felt it all and couldn’t get enough. Second year is a mixture weighing heavily on the choice side. This is fine because I’m learning. I’m being stretched. I’m realizing that, despite what my emotions think or feel, I choose Him. I choose His promises. I choose His truth. I choose to remember His faithfulness even when I feel faithless. At the end of the day, He is worth it. He is worth it all. His love is worth it all. That’s what’s sustaining me. Knowing that He is the ultimate prize, and that everything else that comes from this pursuit is just a beautiful addition to the masterpiece, keeps me going.

Pursuing Jesus looks like something. It feels like something. It is something. It is the best thing I could ever do.