Expectations: To Have or Not to Have?

Let’s be real it’s a question we often face. There is a general consensus, and I’m hasty generalizing right now, that having expectations only invite disappointment and hurt, especially when it relates to people. And yet, I’m that person who supports having expectations with people. You may think I’m crazy and I am….just a tad. But, expectations in relationships aren’t a bad thing AT ALL. The issue we run into is the difference between HEALTHY expectations and UNHEALTHY expectations.
Fact is unhealthy expectations open the door to depleted hope and discouraged souls. When we push unrealistic expectations on a person or accept them upon ourselves, we often set ourselves up to be let down or let down someone. Sometimes these unrealistic expectations are created from a place where we see the individual’s potential and we place them at that potential while they are still in process. There is NOTHING wrong with seeing a person, calling out their gold, and believing in them, but, from my experience, the line gets foggy when we began to place the expectations and the behavior we would desire from the potential them on the present them. That exchange creates unhealthy intentions which lead to disappointment and distrust. It’s important to distinguish the difference between and understand how to balance seeing and loving people where they are and loving them into their destiny.

Expectations come with the package of any relationship: familial, romantic, spiritual, or platonic. Whether you consciously do it or not, you begin to expect from people you value. Any good, genuinely intimate bond has some level of expectation. A relationship without expectations shows a lack of trust and intimacy. Not to expect seemingly protects your heart. Saves you from heartache, frustration, and rejection. It spares you the tummy knots of disappointment and hurt. While true, it works as a defense mechanism that can push you away from truly experiencing intimacy, love, and trust the way you should in a relationship. One of my favorite authors and speakers, Jason Vallotton, wrote, “…there is no way to venture into love without facing the risk of heartache. We can actually only be loved to the level that we can be hurt, so risk is part of the process” (Moral Revolution, 131). Even though this quote speaks specifically to romantic relationships, I think it can be applied to any relationship. People who are apart of your core, whose opinion and input you do value, if they hurt you, you’ll feel it. It’ll resonate. I say this to say that having expectations are apart of the risk of allowing yourself to be loved when you enter a relationship. Unhealthy expectations can be avoided by having brave communication. This involves defining the relationship. Make it clear what the relationship is, what you desire, and expect from it and from them. When the expectations are put out there, you can work together to sustain and maintain a healthy bond.

So think about it. Share your thoughts. This isn’t a cake walk, especially if you’ve been let down countless times. If you are reading this and have dealt with consistent disappointment and hurt from people you’ve valued and expected from and desire to move out of that place I encourage you to forgive. Forgiveness is powerful. When you forgive someone, you are freeing yourself. Make the decision to forgive the individual and yourself. I bless your heart to love and trust again. Your heart WILL love and trust again. I declare over you that you can have healthy expectations in your relationships. I declare that your heart is safe. It is seen, heard, and honored. And when you are ready, I challenge you to begin to work on developing healthy expectations with people you desire to go deep with.

Til next time,

D

Practicing Hope Part 1

Today’s post is the first of a three part series brought to you by TheReddingProject’s first guest blogger Luke T. Jones. Be empowered, challenged, and encouraged as Luke shares his heart on the power and beauty of hope.

Recently the Lord has brought to my attention the necessity of living a life full of hope. Hope is the stuff that sustains us through disappointment and propels us towards destiny. It’s a force field in the arsenal of the believer, giving us the power to press on when all the world seems to be falling apart around us and everything we thought we believed is challenged. For me, the battle for a life of sustained hope has been a real one.

Historically speaking, I’ve not lived the most hope-filled life. In truth, my background is pretty uneventful. There are no stories of great heroes, innovators, world-changers, or history-makers (yet). Just a long list of “decent folk,” who never challenged the status quo or shot for the stars to see the impossible come crashing down, effectively altering the course of human history. The bottom line: I come from a normal family, from a normal town, in a normal state, within a normal economic class with normal ideas on what life should look like. Even my salvation story is no horror, no blue angel showing up on my deathbed, trips to hell, audible voices, or any of the kinds of things we associate with great testaments of God’s transforming and redemptive power. If there ever were anything abnormal in my life, I would say from a New Testament standpoint, it would have been my initial practice of Christianity, which was typical in the American Church sense (and also not very hope-filled). Then in 2011 everything changed.

Coming out of a backslidden state for almost 2 years and having lost my job, fiance, and with zero dollars in the bank, I decided it was time to return to Jesus – the only source of life I ever really had! I did get my radical encounter five months later, though, and over the course of the next year and a half saw miracles, healings, signs, wonders, and provision beyond anything I could ever imagine. Yet, despite the great things God was doing in and through my life at that time (and to this day), a private war with discouragement and hopelessness waged on within me. A fear that this was all for nothing and just like everything else I’ve ever tried to accomplish, will eventually end up becoming nothing more than a pipe dream. Even after coming to the Spiritual Olympics, which I call Bethel, with all the great testimonies I’ve had the pleasure of being exposed to every day, still it seemed hopelessness and discouragement were able to get the better of me. Not all the time, of course, as I did have my mountain-top moments, but always the end result was the same: A return to self-pity, hopelessness, and despair. I needed help and bad!

​The first time I saw Steve Backlund was at a conference in West Haven, Connecticut, sometime in early 2012. Steve and a few Bethel interns came to speak and heal the sick, and I was excited since I had heard so much about Bethel Church and the movement taking place there, and was considering attending their school of ministry myself. From the get-go Steve presented himself as a man full of hope and joy, which, according to himself, was a radical work of the Lord in his own life. “I was once Joy-impared and hopeless,” Steve said in his message, but joy impaired and hopeless was far from the guy standing before me. Hope and joy, and love radiated off of him like the way the sun radiates heat. He laughed and hopped up and down, and his child-like spirit was the biggest, baddest atmosphere in the room and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. I remember saying to myself, “I want that!” Little did I know I would be sitting in Steve’s church leadership track a year later. I remember my first day of class well: Steve’s face plastered with a permanent, Holy-Ghost-drunken grin, chuckling to himself after every point made. We spent most of that day laughing at lies, making declarations over ourselves, and then some teaching time at the end. I loved it (and still love it). You never come out of Steve’s class not feeling empowered. However, staying empowered seemed to be my problem. Often I found myself going home only to fall into the same discouragement, bitterness, anger, jealousy, and self-pity all over again – every time! And what’s worse I didn’t know why. I needed a strategy. A way to sustain hope so that when disappointment came, my atmosphere would be so overpowering that I wouldn’t fall back into self-pity, hopelessness, and all of the things I hate…but how?

Stay tuned for next week to see what happens. Does Luke find a way to sustain hope? Til next time!

South Africa Love Pt. 2

8 years ago a nation became apart of me. This nation is South Africa. I’m not sure I can articulate well how my heart burns for this nation. There is this loving ache and this powerful squeezing of my heart that occurs when I think of South Africa. I desire to see the freedom and joy of heaven wash over this nation. I desire to see South Africa more ablaze and more hungry for the truth and power of the Kingdom of God than ever before. I see break through, restoration, and the reconciliation of identity being released all over this country!! I see a nation rising up to walk out its true destiny. I see a nation operating from the Kingdom’s perspective. I’m overcome by humility that God has chosen myself and my team to pour into this country.

I’m a little over a month away from having the honor and privilege of stepping foot in South Africa. I’m a little over a month away from loving and empowering a hungry people. In 10 days, the final payment for this trip is due. I am immensely grateful to ALL of you who have poured into this dream financially and through your prayers. On February 26th, I will need $880 dollars to officially have my trip paid off. I am once again standing in firm belief that this dream WILL come true and that God will come through. Daily my heart aches the way His heart aches for South Africa. It’s beautiful the love He desires to lavish over this nation.

To donate to this dream, just go to: http://missiontrips.ibethel.org. There will be a section that gives you a chance to give. Type in my name, Danae Carson, and my profile will come up. From there you can donate. Every amount counts and all donations are tax deductible. Thank you so much for reading this and for your support!! You can also check out South Africa Love for more about this dream!