Pursuing Him

Pursuing the heart of God–pursuing His face is a matchless journey.  It started for me in my college dorm room. There would be nights when I would go to sleep feeling so empty. I felt unfulfilled—like I was going through the motions. It was my senior year of college and I guess you could say, I felt my clock ticking—that is–my destiny clock. All of my friends were applying for graduate programs and I was twiddling my thumbs. I just could not shake this deep-rooted feeling that there was more to life–there was more to my life. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with getting a degree or four, working in a career, and establishing yourself. That’s actually something I really value and support. But in late 2011 with 2012 creeping around the corner, I just knew there was more for me than another degree and a career. I wanted there to be more.

That’s where it started: I wanted more. My pursuit for God transformed from me chasing after His hands (what He can do) to longing after His face (who He is). That’s how I ended up in Redding, California. That’s how I’m back here again for round two.

You know it’s totally different? There’s a weight to this second year. This–this is a choice, a conscious choice. Not that first year wasn’t, because it was. I decided to go. I boarded that plane and drove up I-5. Yet in coming back, I can say pursuing Jesus looks like something–it’s a choice. Now understand, pursuing Jesus looks like joy, peace, and hope. It looks like a love story unfolding. It feels like butterflies in your stomach and goose bumps on your arms. It is a daily, tangible encounter with Him. In the same sense, it’s a choice. About two weeks ago, I had the honor of hearing one of the 2^nd year pastors’ heart–Hayley Braun. She talked about knowing Him (Jesus) in choice and in passion.  In passion is like how I described above, you feel it. You feel the fire, the zeal, the hunger. It’s all you think about and all you wanna do. In choice is when all of that seems to fade. When all of your emotions scream the opposite. It’s when you aren’t feeling ‘passionate’ or ‘hunger’ that you still choose Him.

First year was undeniable passion for me. I felt it all and couldn’t get enough. Second year is a mixture weighing heavily on the choice side. This is fine because I’m learning. I’m being stretched. I’m realizing that, despite what my emotions think or feel, I choose Him. I choose His promises. I choose His truth. I choose to remember His faithfulness even when I feel faithless. At the end of the day, He is worth it. He is worth it all. His love is worth it all. That’s what’s sustaining me. Knowing that He is the ultimate prize, and that everything else that comes from this pursuit is just a beautiful addition to the masterpiece, keeps me going.

Pursuing Jesus looks like something. It feels like something. It is something. It is the best thing I could ever do.

SEE YOU

“We create with our words. What are you creating today?”- Beni Johnson

Our words create worlds. A spiritual father of mine spoke this truth and it has stuck with me. What we say about others, about our countries, about anything really has an effect. What I’ve been challenged in lately is the word I’m speaking over myself. What am I saying about me? What world–atmosphere–presence am I fostering when I speak? Am I birthing a reality of doubt–faithlessness–fear in my life? Or am I releasing a world of joy, hope, and destiny?

I was faced with this not too long ago. I was discouraged and getting completely in my feelings one night. I was letting lies trickle into my mind. I remember crying and saying to God, “I want to be seen. I want to be encouraged. Let someone encourage me!!!”  Before I could even begin the down spiral to self-pity [so glad I didn’t that place sucks], I heard God say, nicely but firmly, “how about you see you” (paraphrase). Essentially, why are you waiting on someone else when you have a mouth and can speak just as well? Instead of entertaining the lies, why not speak the truth?

I felt the conviction and the question was raised: how can I expect from others what I don’t do myself?

Self-love is so important. SEEING YOU IS IMPORTANT. We pour into what we believe about ourselves. What we say about ourselves creates the reality from which we live. That night, I refrained from calling my R.O.D. (ride or die) right away and first, spoke over myself. I chose to see me. I declared the truth about myself. The cloud of discouragement that was hovering began to dissipate. I really did feel my heart strengthen. Why?–because, my words in my mouth about me are just as powerful and affective—if not more—as anyone else’s. [<–awesome insight from a friend]. My words fuel my thoughts and my thoughts affect my actions. The moment I began to speak life over myself, when I chose to see me instead of waiting for someone else to, my thoughts were reminded of the truth and thus I began to shift from discouragement to self-appreciation and love.

Now, please understand, it’s so important to have community. It’s seriously AMAZING to be surrounded by people who intentionally see you and protect your heart. It’s a beautiful thing to have a core who call out your gold, challenge, inspire, and motivate you to go higher and be all you were made to be. In that same breath, it’s even more important that YOU see it. It’s crucial that YOU know the truth about yourself and that YOU see YOUR GOLD. So when your core is unable to do it, you can do it and believe it.

So here’s a little exercise!! I challenge you to write out some empowering beliefs about yourself and declare them, even when you are feeling the complete opposite–declare the truth and watch your atmosphere change. This weekend and this coming week, be intentional about SEEING YOU!

Til Next Time,

D

A Love Declaration

Free. Unashamed. Bold. Uncompromising. That’s how I wanna love. That’s how I WILL love. With no conditions, no lists, or comparisons and contrasts, I will love fiercely. I will love without fear. With a reckless abandonment of entitlement, self-centeredness, and pride, I will love purely.

I’ve been loved–I am loved with such fearlessness. God has loved and keeps loving me INSANELY. He threw caution to the wind and let His only son die for me. He burns with passion and pursues me wholly–unrelenting until I am consumed by His fire. He chooses me EVERYTIME. No questions, no ifs, no maybes. He decisively picks me. He chose me before I wanted to be chosen. When everyone else and everything else wavers, He remains constant—faithful. Faithfully holding my heart, He tenderly breathes life over every dream—desire—vision.

I will love like that. I firmly believe I have no right to withhold this kind of love from anyone. God freely gives it. He willingly pours it out on me and I pour it out on Him and He compels me to pour it out on this world. Ephesians 5:1 calls me to a standard that screams BE LIKE ME (God). As a Christian, who I am should ALWAYS imitate God. So who I am in traffic, at the store, on a date, or in my prayer closet should consistently and will constantly reflect Him.

Oh my heart’s desire is to re-present the Father. To see, through a simple smile, lives completed wrecked by His love. I will be marked by radical love. I will ooze passionate grace. Because I’ve encountered it, I can release it and I choose to make it a point that every inch of my life overflows with radical love and with reckless abandonment I will love with the Father’s heart.

Be encouraged guys—you’ve been called to love. You’ve called to love people to life, to release radical love to the world. There’s no formula for this. Remain humble, usable, and willing. Ask for His love to completely wreck you. Let God show how to love radically and insanely.

Til Next Time,

D

The Little Things

I love the little things. I love thoughtfulness and cheesy yet creative ways of showing affection and appreciation.  While all of this is true, I can very easily overlook it all. Four days ago I celebrated my birthday and it was showered with the “little things”. I remember ending my birthday night journaling–processing through whatever emotions I was feeling. I remember wishing it had been bigger or “more”. But then I reflected on the day and it was a BEAUTIFUL birthday. No there was no cake or a huge surprise party—though that would’ve be darling. It was all in the little things. I like to call them golden moments. I spent the late morning of my birthday in a coffee shop. To anyone who knows me I could spend an entire day in a coffee shop. I adore them. They are my happy place. Now to preface this, a few weeks ago I had a dream that I drank a latte that was just indescribably delicious and rich. It was heavenly. Well, I go to this lovely coffee shop in the city, order a vanilla latte and guess what? It tastes just like the drink in my dream, plus there was a heart in the foam. Did my heart squeeze with joy? You betcha.

I spent that morning doing what I love—drinking a latte, reading quality fiction, and writing. The rest of the day was great too where I got meet up with an old friend and go to an art museum where my creative soul soared even more. I came home to two gift bags filled with stuff. The little bag housed a gift card from my six-year-old baby cousin. Did I tear up? Yes. The big bag carried more delights. A month ago I tweeted how I wanted F Scott Fitzgerald’s novel The Beautiful and the Damned and a collection of his short stories and how much it would be a dream come true. You guessed it—it’s exactly what I got. I squealed. I cried. I gasped. My heart fluttered with happiness.

I ended my birthday reflecting on the little things and just how important they are. No my birthday was not this huge ostentatious celebration. It was a collection of gold moments and a sweet reminder of how rich the little details are.

I say all that to say–embrace the little things. it’s July 1^st and a big part of me is working to forgive time for moving so fast. Time really isn’t waiting for anyone and it’s so easy to get “caught up”. We are already six months into 2013 and before you know it, it will be December 31^st and your mind will be reeling with new goals, plans, dreams, and challenges for 2014. You will be relishing over the big accomplishments and achievements that unfolded during 2013 and soon all of your attention will be on what’s ahead. I’m learning there is gold in the little things. Even though I am a HUGE “little things” person, I sometimes overlook it because I want more, expect more, or whatever. God humbled me on my birthday to really appreciate the intricate details of life. What was brewing into an ungrateful attitude, instantly turned to gratitude as I realized my birthday was special. He’d planned it all, from my latte tasting just like the dream to spending the night before with amazing people to receiving the two books my heart really desired.

So, as the next six months of the year await you, delight in the little things. The big moments are awesome. They are to be celebrated, honored, and appreciated. But don’t overlook the warm hugs, laughter until tears, the thoughtful gifts, and memorable company. Don’t hurriedly push aside the late summer nights coated with a warm breeze and unforgettable sunset. Don’t bemoan the rain showers that make the green around you just a little bit greener leaving behind a heavy mist—it’s practically dreamy. There’s gold in the little things just as much as there is gold in the big. I’m training my eyes to appreciate the small so whether or not something big and life-changing happens I’m always in a state of gratitude. Today, I challenge you to pick out the little things that made your day just a little bit better. Trust me—you’ll find something.

 

Til Next Time,

D

Dream on Dreamer

It’s been one of those weeks…well several weeks, where I have felt so very faraway from my dreams. Where the sheer magnitude of them has been overwhelming. There are moments where I have felt I missed the dream fulfillment train and I’m aimlessly wandering down a road holding onto what seems to be thinning hope. I, of course, try to force myself out of that mindset, hence writing this post.

It really has been a challenging time. I’m in a stretching position where I feel life is vastly laid out before me. My heart and my mind enter an intense battle. As my heart leaps at the truth that I can go anywhere, see everything, do anything,pretty much live through my five senses all day everyday, and grows in it’s idealistic way, my mind, in all it’s realism, barks back with looming, unattractive facts like debt, unemployment, impossibility. And my heart slowly prepares to shrink back–let hope be deferred–then it remembers. It remembers Who is at the center, Who is holding it. My mind as I write this is picturing Sandman from Rise of the Guardians. He was gold and at night while the children slept he would fill their minds with wild, exciting, impossible yet hopeful dreams. It warmed my heart and I immediately thought of the Holy Spirit. For me, whether awake or asleep, He is romancing my imagination with unending dreams, dreams that meld into each other, dead dreams that are resurrected and more.
When my heart remembers this, it realizes–IT IS POSSIBLE.

I’ll admit, as I write this, easier said/read than done. I’m totally guilty of seeing the end of the dream but squirming at the process. I’m learning that the process is technically the best part. It’s where you grow, are challenged, are stretched, and ultimately surprise yourself. So, squirming at the journey, that ends today. I have to hold on to the reality that God’s promises are true and maybe the impossibility of it is a reminder that I can’t do it alone or in my own strength. In these foggy moments of life, it’s so easy to throw a dream in the fire of disappointment or shove it on the back shelf of impatience or toss it in the trash can of fear and discouragement. In these moments of feeling unfulfilled, it’s so easy to stop dreaming, to toss out the idealistic lens I’ve been looking through and live a colorless life. I’m here to tell you and myself–NO. NO, that’s NOT an option. WE are dreamers. WE were meant to dream. Not only that, but we were meant to LIVE our dreams. Dreamers never stop dreaming. Even when dreams are fulfilled, they keep dreaming. They dream bigger and better dreams. That’s US!! We’re dreamers who were never meant to stop dreaming. You see, as dreams are fulfilled, our capacity to dream increases. It’s a never-ending cycle.

So, keep on dreaming dreamer! Dream with vision for the end knowing there is grace for you to get there. Starting today, tell yourself, every day: “I am a dreamer whose dreams are and will continue to be my reality, I will wake up and go to sleep living out my dreams” and hold on to hope, dreams fulfilled are a tree of life (Proverbs 13:12)